The Resilience Project - Part 4

PART 4

Balancing Advocacy and
Self-Care in Turbulent Times
Dr. Ayanna Abrams

Self care. We hear this phrase a lot. But what does it really mean? One definition of self care is trying to be the best version of yourself so you can be of service to others. (The whole “put on your own oxygen mask first” adage.) We know that self care done right can help us show more patience and generosity towards others. But it isn’t always the literal walk in the park it’s made out to be.

Social media wellness culture often sells “self-care” as easy, accessible, instantly effective, and totally intuitive, (often in the form of face creams and meditation apps) but in reality? It can feel like just one more overwhelming item on our already packed to-do lists.

So why are so many consumer brands jumping on the self-care bandwagon? Namely because these quick, superficial fixes sell. And sell well. For most of us—whether we’re juggling high-stress jobs, family responsibilities, community commitments, or just trying to keep up with life’s basic demands—true self-care can feel out of reach, making the superficial stuff all we can muster. (This is not in any way meant to undermine the transformative magic of a good bubble bath.) Meanwhile, we are unconsciously fueling the growing belief that 1. balance is a myth, 2. a healthy lifestyle is a luxury reserved for the independently wealthy (or those with lucrative side hustles), and 3. meeting your own needs is more of a privilege than a basic human right.

So, let’s spend some time together right now rethinking what self-care really means and how we can make it work for all of us—not just a lucky few. Many of us have gained advocacy skills in all kinds of ways: at home growing up, learning to speak up for our needs, navigating school systems that didn’t always see or value our strengths, or standing up for friends and neighbors who needed backup. These small moments, often unplanned, are where the seeds of leadership get planted.

“Advocacy is the act of supporting, speaking up for, or taking action to create change for a cause, group, or individual.”

But here’s what’s historically been missing from the conversation: while we’re out there fighting for ourselves and others, who’s making sure our own needs are met? How are we tending to our physical, emotional, and mental well-being so we can stay energized, creative, and motivated for the long haul? Too often, these essential self-care skills and practices are left out of the equation, especially for Black women and for a litany of reasons including:

A lack of role models who effectively demonstrate a working harmony between activism and rest.
Relentless messages that rest and self-care are optional—or not even an option.
Rare opportunities for self-care due to constant demands of caring for others.
Deep-seated beliefs about our own needs and worthiness that hold us back.
Internalizing the idea that our care will come only after everyone else’s needs are met.
The high risk of negative reactions or being seen as less available to others when we do prioritize ourselves.
Little or no learned emotional regulation skills to help us manage anxiety in our relationships.

Self Care as Radical Acts of Resistance

Interestingly, self-care has some pretty deep roots in Black history. Black feminist writer and civil rights activist Audre Lorde wrote in her 1988 essay collection A Burst of Light: "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence. It is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare." She defined self-care as a radical act of resistance and important means of survival.

The reality is, prioritizing self-care is far from selfish—it’s very much necessary for survival, especially in a world that often expects Black women to be endlessly strong and self-sacrificing. By making space for our own wellness, we’re not only sustaining ourselves—we’re challenging the very systems that tell us we’re only valuable when we’re caring for everyone else. We need to develop effective tools to navigate conflict in healthy ways.

The High Cost of Skipping Self Care

Decades of research from race scholars, psychologists, and sociologists all point to the same reality: numerous challenges take a serious toll on Black women’s physical health, mental well-being, and relationships. When true self-care is out of reach or not practiced consistently, it can lead to a host of issues—like putting off preventive or necessary medical care, feeling unfulfilled in personal relationships, struggling with workplace demands, and facing higher levels of anxiety, depression, and burnout. Our ability to handle stress drops, and the risk of chronic health conditions rises.

This is where concepts like “weathering” and “allostatic load” come in—terms that describe how the constant stress of navigating racism and sexism wears down the body and mind over time. And let’s not forget racial battle fatigue: the utter exhaustion that comes from dealing with persistent microaggressions, discrimination, and the pressure to always be “on” in predominantly white or unsupportive spaces. All of this makes self-care not just important, but absolutely essential. As the truly toxic cherry on top, unrecognized and unhealed trauma can create real barriers to even imagining, let alone implementing, regular self-care. When trauma goes unaddressed, it can feel almost impossible to develop and stick to routines that nurture every part of ourselves-physically, emotionally, and mentally. That’s why building self-care skills isn’t just about feeling good in the moment; it’s about reclaiming our health, our joy, and our right to thrive through healthy habits we can stick with for life.

Creating Practical Self-Care Strategies for Emotional Well-Being

Well-meaning words of acknowledgement and support like, “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” “Set better boundaries,” or “Prioritize yourself” may sound great on the surface, but they rarely offer the concrete guidance needed to make real and lasting change. Your well-being is a deeply personal journey, and while you can learn and borrow strategies from others, your approach to self-care is uniquely your own.

The real challenge is this: developing a plan to advocate for yourself through self-care isn’t just an opportunity, it’s a serious responsibility. For those of us who already carry the weight of caring for others and leading in our communities, the idea of adding ourselves to the never-ending to-do list can feel daunting.

This is why your self-care plan needs to have flexibility baked in. It’s something you can create, adjust, and reinvent as you move through different stages of life and face new internal and external stressors. As you build resilience and discover what brings you joy, your self-care practices can evolve, too. The aim isn’t just to get by—it’s to show up as the very best version of yourself.

Here are two sample self-care strategies to consider:

Strategy 1: Engaging in healthy outlets

One way to practice self care is to channel your feelings through creative or physical pursuits. Chances are, you already have a mental list of activities that light you up—it could be dance, painting, running, yoga, quilting, or something else entirely. You get to choose! These aren’t just hobbies; they’re powerful ways to tap into your creativity, support your immune system, boost your cardiovascular health, and build physical strength. Whether you crave something intellectually stimulating, emotionally soothing, or spiritually fulfilling, there are endless possibilities for nurturing different parts of yourself. And there’s no right or wrong–just what feels good and feeds your soul.

Your outlets can be solo adventures, shared with a friend, or experienced in a group. What matters is that they help you maintain (and elevate!) your well-being. The goal isn’t just to keep your body and mind at baseline, but to deeply engage in restorative practices that help you operate at your best. Create routines that are both sustainable and flexible, so self-care becomes a natural, integrated part of your everyday life.

It’s easy to overlook these self-care practices as “extras,” but they’re actually an important form of self-advocacy. Engaging in activities that restore and energize you is essential. This is the “support and take action” piece of self-care, and it’s crucial if you want to advocate for others from a place of strength and fulfillment. Think of these practices as your longevity strategy, rather than a luxury or something you have to “earn” after everything else is done. Your emotions—whether repressed, unnamed, misunderstood, or shamed—all deserve space to move, to be released, and to be met with compassion. Remember: giving yourself permission to feel and express yourself (yes, care for yourself!) is a radical act of resistance and means of survival. It’s quite literally non-negotiable.

Strategy 2: Understanding your need for boundaries (with yourself and others)

Ah, boundaries—those invisible-but-life-sustaining lines that protect your wellbeing and help you show up as your best self. Setting and maintaining boundaries isn’t just about saying “no” to others; it’s about honoring your own needs, values, and limits, both with yourself and those around you.

Types of boundaries

Rigid: Imagine a wall—nothing gets in or out. Rigid boundaries can keep others at arm’s length or even stifle your own growth and joy.
Firm: Think of a fence with a gate—you decide who and what comes in based on what you need. Firm boundaries are protective, but flexible.
Porous: Picture a sponge-soaking up everyone else’s needs and emotions, often at the expense of your own well-being.

Rigid boundaries:
When boundaries are too rigid, it’s like hiding behind a fortress. Maybe you say “no” to everything, push people away, or deny yourself rest, pleasure, or even healthy challenges. This can be a way to avoid disappointment, anger, or mistakes—especially if you identify as a perfectionist or “Type A”. If you’ve experienced trauma, grown up in a high-pressure or emotionally unsafe environment, or felt invalidated as a child, you might find yourself defaulting to rigid boundaries as a way to stay safe. But while these walls can feel protective, they also keep out connection, growth, and support.

Firm (but flexible) boundaries:
Welcome to the sweet spot. These are the boundaries that honor your changing emotional and psychological needs over time. You use them to stay true to your values and protect your physical, social, and emotional health, all without punishing others or shutting yourself off. Some boundaries are steady: “I don’t work with leaders who disrespect my culture.” Others might shift with the seasons: “This summer, I won’t socialize past 10 p.m. during the week so I can start mornings with my kids.” And if something special comes up? You can flex, knowing you’re still honoring what matters most to you.

Porous boundaries:
If your boundaries are porous, you might find yourself absorbing everyone else’s needs and emotions, often putting yourself last. This can happen if you grew up believing it wasn’t okay to have your own needs, or if you worry about being rejected, disliked, or retaliated against. (Oh hey all you people pleasers!) Porous boundaries are common for people who avoid conflict at all costs and see differences as problems for them to take on and fix. This pattern is often tied to lower self-esteem or a history of trauma or emotional abuse.

Again, healthy boundaries aren’t about keeping people out. They’re about protecting your energy, honoring your needs, and creating space for authentic connection and growth. Learning to set and maintain boundaries is a powerful act of self-care and self-advocacy, and it’s absolutely essential for your long-term well-being.

The Advocacy-Self Care Connection

Understanding—and even better, BELIEVING!—that self care is a vital, intentional practice that nurtures our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being is paramount in a world that often demands constant advocacy and resilience, especially from Black women. True self-care is a radical act of resistance and survival, deeply rooted in Black history and essential for sustaining ourselves and our communities.

So be bold and look deeper, because to be effective advocates, we must first tend to our own well-being. This means developing flexible, sustainable self-care routines, engaging in creative and restorative outlets, and setting healthy boundaries with ourselves and others. It also means practicing self-compassion, challenging thinking traps, and finding joy and connection in community.

Ultimately, prioritizing self-care is both a personal responsibility and a collective strategy for resilience. By caring for ourselves, we challenge systems that expect us to be endlessly self-sacrificing, and we model a more sustainable, joyful path forward for those we serve.

The Path Ahead: Continuing Your Resilience Journey

Remember: resilience is not about enduring hardship alone—it’s about finding ways to care for yourself and your community, even in the most challenging times. It's easy to put your own needs last, especially when the stakes are high and the work feels urgent. But your well-being matters—not just for you, but for the people and causes you care about. Resilience means recognizing when you need support, honoring your limits, and finding ways to restore yourself, even in uncertainty.

The strategies and practices in this guide are intended to help you create space for yourself, build sustainable habits, and connect with others who understand what it’s like to do this work. Advocacy and self-care are deeply connected; by caring for yourself, you strengthen your ability to show up for others.

Next Steps & Support

Use the self-care and advocacy strategies that resonate most, and adapt them as your needs evolve.
Share this guide with others who might benefit—resilience grows stronger in community.
Need more resources? Want to chat? Just need a reminder that you’re not alone? Visit www.jenayhicks.com

Thank you for the work you do and for making space to care for yourself. We’re here if you need us.

*Adapted from Kessle, David, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, Workbook: Chapter 1; Where Loss Leaves you, New York, Scribner, 2024.

We’re in this together

Traumatic events can really shake us up, making us feel unsafe or on edge. But we don't have to stay stuck in high-alert mode. Learning to handle stress better—and even thrive in challenging situations—is about finding that sweet spot where we're not bottling up our emotions, and not getting overwhelmed by them either. Connecting with our community can also be a huge source of strength and stability, enabling us to find creative solutions to problems that might seem too big to tackle alone.

As we move through these pivotal first 100 days of the election cycle, we’re here to support you. Together, we believe we can create a stronger, brighter future, no matter what this election brings.

Here’s what’s coming up in Part 2 (live on Tuesday, November 12, 2024!) where we’ll be focusing on the tumultuous first few weeks following the election.

Some of the topics include:

How complex trauma impacts emotional health
Tolerating uncertainty in uncertain times
Strengthening emotional intelligence

We’re also adding a few journaling prompts and other exercises (what we’re calling “Practice for Progress”) for anyone who wants to take a deeper dive.

In the meantime, if you have any questions about this guide or want to explore working together, one-on-one, or within your organization, please email: contactus@jenayhicks.com.

PART 2

Coming Nov. 12, 2024